bethdarby, July 30, 2002 at 5:12:59 AM CEST

Reflection 7/29/02

 In our response group today, we talked about (surprise, surprise) “social action” and how our portfolios are shaping up in relationship to the concept.  I have some resistance to the term or, I should say, my initial response to the superficial definition that the concept conjures is somewhat resistant.  And I experience some trepidation regarding the changes I am planning in my classroom.  To help me uncover the roots of this anxiety, Karen asked, “Are you afraid you’ll fall in love with teaching?”  An interesting question and I’ve been thinking of why anyone would be afraid of that?  Well… because it would certainly put me out there “at risk” (or risking) in the world.  It is a demanding job, that requires the whole self  (and that the self be whole).  Doug asked if I am afraid of losing myself.  Also interesting… especially in relation to the multi-genre project which equalizes the power in the classroom (by given students choices about genres and formats).  If students have more control, will I have less?  I was just reading comments on my double entry note.  There were notes about students as guinea pigs, about the classroom experiment, and Amy talked about calming down after 3 experiments with multi-genre because she is beginning to trust that her students know what to do.  Writing process/ teaching process.  Maybe I just want to have my final polished teaching draft before I go through the process.  Maybe I need to practice a little Intellectual Patience. It is the control issue that scares me.  So why don’t I just go ahead and vent about it?  I need to practice daily affirmations, look in the mirror and say: You are not in control and “that’s OK.”  I’m not in control…. As soon as I say it, the idea that I could think myself in control becomes ridiculous.  But sometimes my emotional responses to situations seem to operate on that ridiculous premise.
 I’ve been anticipating and responding to possible student reactions to the multi-genre project.   And, I’m just thinking, this anticipation is social action if social action is “do unto others” and this means putting ourselves in others’ places.   I’m thinking of my history as a student, my learning styles.  I’m an old student and odd, maybe, in that a good lecture is a fine way for me to think and learn.  As a matter of fact, I often prefer this method to small interactive group activities.  It stands to reason though, that if I’d rather sit back and listen as a student…. I sure don’t want to stand up in front of everyone and lecture as a teacher.  But I also remember my resistance to certain classroom assignments.  I had an American Lit. class several years ago and one of the assignments was to draw a story we had read, scene by scene.  Now I like to draw…. But I remember thinking this assignment was a colossal waste of my time (it took forever) when I could have been doing some serious homework in any of my other class.  Well now I realize my instructor was trying to appeal to different learning modes and can appreciate her efforts.  But, I’m thinking of my initial resistance and wonder if my students will feel this way about any of the classroom activities which will be designed to relate creativity to their subject, or just explore techniques?  So, I want to tell them up front that every activity might not work for them, but that I want them to try it just to see if it does.  If it doesn’t they can trash it (I’m thinking of activities like the ones in my demo, or discussed in my bibliography).  Well… this seems like a simple approach… giving them permission to dislike activities.  But it boils down to laying down the illusion of control,  the idea that all students could love all activities and prove how truly fascinating and inspirational I am.  So, I guess teaching is a losing of self in a way, or a losing/lessening of self –conscious control.

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bethdarby, July 25, 2002 at 7:51:33 PM CEST

Writing Project Journal

WP Journal Sunday morning July 21, 2002 11:40 a.m. Border’s Café

 I am sitting here drinking a blend of Columbian and triple decaf beneath the framed Batik of Kum Kum Majumdar.  Created in oranges, black, yellow and white, the Batik is titled, “Princess”.  The Princess stands in a doorway, her feet hidden from view beneath the square hem of her skirt.  Her face is a profile, one eye only, looking eastward.  Her arms are crossed in front of bare breasts, hands open, thumbs curling toward forefingers… a meditative pose.  I sit at a table for three taking up all the space: my book bag on one chair, butt on another, left leg stretched across another.  Journals, books, pens, coffee and a half-eaten bagel on a plate crowd the table.  My shoulders are rounded, my head bent.  The fingers of my left hand grip the front cover of my journal, while those of my right grip the pen. I, too, am in a meditative pose.  I too am facing a threshold, hoping for and fearing the coming transformation.
 I’ve been reading Tom Romano’s Blending Genre, Altering Style and stopped to contemplate and respond to his profile of Liz.  Romano’s description, so inspired by the music, art, dance, and poetry of the woman, moved me too:  “She moved us through her writing, her voice, her art, her body, her way of perceiving, her very being.  We felt her energy, courage, commitment, and passion to express and communicate.  The intellectual and the emotional were one” (3).
  This echoes something that Charles Lloyd expressed in his presentation, his realization that his “personal life and [his] teaching life are one and the same” and his feeling that he has “achieved an integrity in life” through realizing this.
 I’ve thought of Charles’ comment several times over the past week.  It has shown up before in my WP writing and here it is again.  During a recent trip to a Writing Center Conference, I told the professor I was traveling with that my external self is often very different from my internal self.  I remember Doug’s presentation during last year’s WP on personality types: sanguine (the happy be’ers), choleric (the in charge doers), phlegmatics (the analytical thinkers), and melancholics (the moody watchers).  Everyone is a combination of the four, but according to the surveys we took, last years group was made of mostly melancholics.  Before we took the survey, Doug tried to guess the predominate category for each participant.  I remember that he was wrong about Toodie.  Toodie showed up everyday with a different pair of outrageous sunglasses, which sometimes matched her shoes.  She is riding her bike to WP this year, so I guess she has to be a little more sensible.  But I am hoping on the day she wears her leopard glasses, and leopard shirt, she will slip her leopard flipflops into her backpack and change from her tennis shoes once she has arrived.  Toodie is forthright and fun!  It isn’t difficult to understand why Doug thought Toodie was a sanguine happy one.  But she isn’t.  She is melancholic like me, like Amy.  And I remember Doug’s explanation that melancholics often don’t display their inner selves in public… but call up a demeanor appropriate to the situation they’re in.  (Comedian Robin Williams is a melancholic personality).  I know everyone presents a public face to some degree, must do it.  But, the incongruencies between my public self and my private self are too great.  I’m too concerned with looking good in public.  I want to look like a good teacher, parent, friend, writer, & student.  Don’t get me wrong… I want to be these things too… but that requires a lot more effort doesn’t it?  The effort of facing the self and accepting the self and making the necessary changes too.
 You know, when I first looked at Kum Kum’s batik, the square skirt of the princess, I wondered if it might not be a mummy… but I couldn’t remember what you call those things you put them in…sarophoguses?  (OK.. I’ll just ask someone… I am in community here.)  “Sarcophagus” the man sitting on the couch behind me says… he thinks so… he was at Mt. Vernon last month and that’s what they call the outer portion that encloses George Washington’s coffin).  Anyway, a mummy… wrapped up so tightly, stuck in a box.  I don’t want that stuckness and stagnation.  I prefer to see myself as standing in the doorway in a meditative pose, seeing the struggles that need to be addressed in order to make my life more honest and whole.

4:30 p.m. I stopped by “Art In The Park” on the way home from Border’s. That I could do this on a Sunday when I need to do laundry, pay bills, read and write for class tomorrow, is a miracle with an explanation: Writing Project. As the exercises with swatches and art captions demonstrated this past week, the material for writing is everywhere. So I felt justified in stopping. And guess what? Serendipity struck! I ran into the artist Kum Kum whose batik I wrote beneath in Border’s. A good omen: her batik isn’t of a sarcophagus… but a woman at the threshold.

24 July 2002 Computer Lab 1:15 a.m.

“By living well, by observing as you live, by reading well and observing as you read, you have fed Your Most Original Self” (Zen In The Art of Writing, Ray Bradbury, 42-43).

 Another connection between the way I live and the way I teach.  My classroom isn’t going to be dynamic unless I am and I won’t be unless I “live well”, feed myself with the stuff of life which is all around me.  We’re talking about the transformative process here.  (The red lines of spellcheck are telling me that “transformative” is not a word, but then they’re also telling me “spellcheck” is not a word.)  I’m thinking about the “basic law of physics” that Karen shared this morning: if you change anything, everything around must change.  More than a year ago, Karen shared another quote with me: “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting things to change”.  What a great quote for complaining teachers like me. But these are not exactly reassuring quotes… they’re social action quotes, requiring movement, change, and energy/thought exertion. Do I want to change? Yes.  But how badly?  How much effort and thought am I willing to invest to nurture transformation?  But I know from experience that energy and effort are expended even without making the choice to change.  Energy and effort are expended in what ifs and regrets, in guilt and negative self-talk, and we are transformed by these uses of time as well.  Given the two options, being open to and choosing change, taking positive steps in that direction probably requires the least energy.

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bethdarby, July 25, 2002 at 3:35:58 AM CEST

Social Action Why 7/24

Why are my roller coaster emotions, my levels of confidence and competence, problems in the classroom? The first thing that comes to mind is these interfere with community. No... what is more important to me than that is... I feel awful. I worry about class, am nervous before entering the classroom. I always take notes with me to class and refer to them often. I love teachers who don't use notes in class, who seem to move with ease through the subject knowing what they're talking about. If I'm more at ease, perhaps my students will pick up on this. Why are the issues of power and participation problems in my classroom. I hate looking out on a sea of dead faces. I hate being responsible, deciding for everyone in the room what we will be reading and writing. I want to feel connected to more students, not just 2 or 3.
The issues of classroom structure and participation is a problem for my students because, as freshmen, they are facing a new experience and, if they're anythin like I was, they're afraid. Afraid maybe of speaking in front of others. Participation by everyone in a respectful environment would mean the facing of those fears in a safe place. Hopefully, the more students face their fears the less afraid they'll be. The issues of roller coaster emotions/confidence and competence levels are problems for my students because these factors influence the focus of the class. Soemtimes students who are talkin in class are talking about the subject matter, not about what a boring teacher I am. Cell phones are a distractions, but I don't want distractions to deter what I think my main focus should be. Where I'm going is... I think low confidence and competence have something to do with my tendency to focus on the negative. Students playing internet pool, classroom chatter, late assignments, etc. are only minor problems and not where I want to focus.

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